Summer Movies Part One: The Summer SuckFest

June 19th, 2009
In tough times like these, you’re not going to spend the twelve friggin’ bucks for just any old movie. And the sheer volume of films released in the summer can prove harrowing and overwhelming. Here I come, to the rescue. In Part One, I will tell you what movies to skip, and -guess what-in Part Two, I’ll tell you what to see. Of course, this is all my film snob opinion, so you can go ahead and defy this advice.

Today (June 19th), the latest Judd Apatow film will fall off of his assembly line: Year One with Jack Black and bird-like Michael Cera (I don’t get the hype, the kid creeps me out). Here, Black and Cera will dance around dressed (shoddily) like cavemen as they tumble through a thin plot of, like, trying to propel society forward and stuff. Leave this kind of thing to Monty Python, please. You know how they put all the funniest parts in the previews? Not even the previews for this are funny.

Jack Black and Michael Cera dressed up like members of Ratt - er, cavemen in Year One.

Photo Credit: www.impawards.com/2009/posters/year_one.jpg

Uh oh, Year One has competition! June 19 will also see the opening of the Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds crappedy, The Proposal. The preview makes me want to rip my own eyes out and use them to plug my ears. This kind of work romance film has been done - with Bullock herself, too. Two Weeks Notice anyone? Nope, I didn’t think so.

On June 24, the new Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will come out. Oh, I’m just too bored to even write about this one. The first was all right but more than enough to quench my thirst for the Transformers. Plus, Shia LaBeefcake is boring and, ladies, NOT hot.

Disney will give us the third installment of Ice Age with Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Here’s the pattern, if you don’t see it. The summer of sequels equals the summer suckfest. Look, Ice Age is cute, and with a lack of other strong kids movies out at this time, this new 3-D version will do well. But Disney needs some new ideas badly. This is tired.

On July 24, G-Force comes out. It’s a CGI movie. About guinea pigs. ‘Nuff said. Oh, except that they somehow got Nick Cage, Sam Rockwell, and Penelope Cruz to do the voices. Cruz really has to learn English better so she can read fully what the scripts are about before she signs on.

August 7 will see the release of the much (though less than I would have expected) anticipated G.I. Joe: The Rise of the Cobra. Besides Channing Tatum, I can’t find anything here to get excited about. This is one of those movies that sounded cool when it was first announced, but it’s been so long since then it’s really lost its steam. Now, I think it will just be cool for the die hard G.I. Joe fans and little boys, though I don’t even know if it’s kid-friendly, and the presence of Sienna Miller makes me lean toward no.

Clearly the poster for the G.I. Joe movie is a poster from a late eighties movies with the actors' faces Photoshopped in. Just like the whole movie itself.

Clearly the poster for the G.I. Joe movie is a poster from a late eighties movies with the actors' faces Photoshopped in. Just like the whole movie itself.

Photo Credit: i39.tinypic.com/jsy0qp.jpg

On August 28, there’s going to be a fourth Final Destination, and it’s going to be 3-D. This is a fateful day for me, because it is the day I give up on movies forever. It is, in a sense, my final destination.

June 19th, 2009 by Courtney Iseman | Posted in General, Hollywood, Movie News, Stars | (0)

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